


Recognise Me

by Star55



Series: Shades of Pink (Crazy in Love) [19]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, F/F, Genderswap, Girl Direction, Lesbian Sex, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-19 14:34:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18137003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Star55/pseuds/Star55
Summary: Life is hard for the next few months.The media have a field day with the sex tape, the significant fluctuation of Tomlinson Enterprises stock, and the fact that every single person seems to have an opinion on the matter. Every single day for five weeks straight, there’s something in the news about the scandal, making it impossible for them to escape from it. Despite Louis getting it removed from every single website that it was posted on, it’s still out there – it’s the internet, after all, there’s no getting rid of it completely.A Shades of Pink story in which Harry and Louis deal with the fallout of the Louis' sex tape.





	Recognise Me

**Author's Note:**

> I've been torn whether to post this part today or not. I've been posting regularly on a Sunday now since the start of the year. But this week has been _hard_. So very, very hard. 
> 
> This piece is very personal to me. Like. Extremely personal. As per the tags, this story touches on depression, and I do not take that subject lightly _at all_. If you know even a smidge about me, you should know that. (as someone who has been clinically depressed for 20+ years (and currently has double depression for 6+ years now), I take it very seriously.)
> 
> Ummm. So please keep that in mind while reading this piece. I feel like, if any of the fics in this universe have a part of my soul, it's this piece.
> 
> Massive thank yous to Jada, for the betaing, and to Leah for the cheerleading. ily ♥ Any leftover mistakes are my own. Please (kindly) tell me if you find something glaringly awful.
> 
>  
> 
> Please do not break the fourth wall and show this to anyone in the band, their family, friends, etc, etc. Thank you.

Life is hard for the next few months.

The media have a field day with the sex tape, the significant fluctuation of Tomlinson Enterprises stock, and the fact that every single person seems to have an opinion on the matter. Every single day for five weeks straight, there’s something in the news about the scandal, making it impossible for them to escape from it. Despite Louis getting it removed from every single website that it was posted on, it’s still out there – it’s the internet, after all, there’s no getting rid of it completely.

Louis loses a lot of weight, leaving her looking sickly, and making Harry extremely worried for her fiancée. 

Louis closes herself off from Harry almost completely. Harry understands why, but it doesn’t stop it from hurting. It’s like she doesn’t even notice that she’s doing it. Harry will ask her a question, and where Louis used to give long, thoughtful answers, she now only spares a couple of sentences at most. If she was doing that to other people, Harry would be more understanding, but she’s doing it to Harry, and that _hurts_.

Both of their birthdays come and go with Louis barely looking up from her work laptop. She has permanent dark circles under her eyes and looks perpetually exhausted. Harry knows that she’s looking the same way too, these days, and she knows that the media have picked up on it recently, too. They’ve taken to writing stories every other day speculating in their inevitable break up. And while Harry _desperately_ hopes that it isn’t true, the way things have been between them lately, it doesn’t give her much hope.

After that night she had seen Louis repeatedly watching the tape, she thought that she had got through to her – she thought that they were on the same page, that they were going to get through it together. She knew that it was going to be a long, hard road getting their lives back on track after such a scandal, but it just hasn’t happened. 

Harry has tried – boy has she tried. She continually put herself out there with Louis, making sure that Louis knew Harry wasn’t going anywhere. She made herself available for every single one of Louis’ work related events, to be by her side in solidarity over this, but it all seems for naught. 

Harry is at her wits end. She doesn’t know what to do any more. She spends her days at the community centre, but her heart isn’t in it anymore. She calls Jay more often than she thinks is probably healthy, but she’s just _so torn_. 

She knows that she’s woken Gemma up a few times to, forgetting about their time difference, but desperately needing _something_ to keep her mind off the absolute shit storm that seems to be her life these days. 

She knows that her own mum is worried about her, too. Harry’s brushed off her questions more than a few times, but it’s her _mum_. She can’t keep putting off the conversation just because she doesn’t want to have it – Anne works with Louis, she knows far more than Harry gives her credit for. She just doesn’t want to see that disappointed look on her mum’s face when she realises just how bad things are. 

There’s times where Louis doesn’t go to bed when Harry does, and she isn’t there when Harry wakes. Despite their promises that they’ll get through it together, Louis seems to be determined to deal with it on her own.

Which makes what Harry’s about to do even harder.

“I need you to go to Doncaster.”

Louis’ fingers stop typing and she turns from her laptop to face Harry. She’s in the home office. Because she’s _always_ in the office these days. It frustrates Harry to no end. Louis comes home from work, where she spends all day in an office, and she goes straight to her home office to keep working. These days, Harry would like nothing more than to lock it from the outside and throw away the key.

“What?” Louis asks, her voice cracking a little from lack of use. There are dark circles under her eyes. It absolutely breaks Harry’s heart to see her like this.

Harry sets an overnight bag she packed for Louis on the sofa. “I’ve organised a car for you, I don’t think you’re in the right state to be able to drive that long.”

Louis blinks, getting up out of her chair. A frown crosses her face as she looks from Harry to the bag and back to Harry again. “What’s going on?”

“You’re going to go and spend some time in Doncaster,” Harry continues, like this isn’t the hardest thing she has ever had to do in her entire life. “And you’re going to spend time with your mum, your sisters, your brother, and you’re going to stay there for a full week. You’re leaving your laptop behind and everyone is under very strict instructions to not let you on the internet.”

“Harry–”

She continues, unable to look Louis in the eye. There’s a spot on the wall that she fixes her gaze to. If she doesn’t have to look at Louis, maybe this won’t be as hard. “Maybe after a week, you’ll be okay enough to come home, but I’ll talk to Jay about that when the week is out. Your car leaves in twenty minutes. I suggest you go clean up and put some clothes on.”

“Hold on a second,” Louis says, hugging her dressing gown around her body a little tighter. “What is going on?”

“You won’t talk to me, Lou,” Harry says desperately, raking her gaze over Louis’ form. “You’ve _completely_ shut me out, despite _promising me_ that we would deal with this _together_! You’ve lost weight. Weight you can’t afford to lose. You’re almost as skinny as Zayn! You have _permanent_ dark circles under your eyes. You _don’t sleep_. And don’t tell me you do because you don’t. I see you in here all hours of the day and night, working, and it fucking breaks my heart. You’re literally killing yourself trying to _fix_ this, and you don’t even _see_ that you’re killing yourself in the process!” 

Tears spring to her eyes, rolling down her cheeks and she hastily wipes them away. She takes a shaky breath and soldiers on.

“You didn’t even notice me packing a bag for you,” Harry adds wetly, her voice a little softer. “You don’t notice when I’m talking to your mum. She’s worried sick about you, and she agrees with me that you’re better off there for the time being.”

“You went behind my back?” Louis asks incredulously, almost rearing back. “You talked to my mum about me? What, like I’m some kid who got sent to the principal’s office? I’m not a fucking kid, Harry!”

“I know you’re not,” Harry says coolly, levelling Louis with a look. She digs her fingers into the palm of her hand, feeling the nails bite into the skin. “But you’re not taking care of yourself. You _refuse_ to let me take care of you. And you’re refusing to let me in! Don’t you see what this is doing to us?”

The expression on Louis’ face is thunderous. “Did you stop to think that I’m doing this _for us_? So that we can have a future together? So that when people wonder who Louis Tomlinson is, they don’t immediately think of that fucking sex tape. This is for _us_ , Harry! For you and me, and our future.”

“We’re not going to _have_ a future if you’re not here in the present!” Harry snaps. Her heart pounds in her chest as she speaks. “I am at my wits end, Louis. And you don’t even _see it_.”

Louis physically steps back. “So you do want to break up?”

Harry growls, frustrated. “No I don’t want to break up, you fucking idiot!” she exclaims. “I want you to be healthy! I want you to _stop_ obsessing over this!”

“This didn’t happen to you, you know.”

“Yes it _fucking did_!” Harry explodes. “And with you obsessing over it every second of every day it _keeps happening to me_. You want to fix things for our future? Then fucking start by acting like my god damned fiancée before there’s no future to _have_.”

She knows walking out of the room is the wrong thing to do, but her feet aren’t obeying her commands to stop. She slams the front door behind her and reaches a shaky hand out to push the call button for the lift. She has no idea if Louis is going to go to Doncaster, but she can’t be there right now. She can’t watch as Louis literally throws away their entire future. 

What she doesn’t understand is how Louis doesn’t _get it_. She doesn’t care about the money, the flat, the reputation or notoriety. She cares about _Louis_ and that is it. Nothing else matters to her. And when Louis doesn’t care about herself, and won’t let Harry in, then she doesn’t know what to do.

With a shaking hand, Harry knocks on Niall and Zayn’s door. Niall answers a moment later with a grin. Her face immediately falls at Harry’s utterly heartbroken expression and she wordlessly lets Harry inside.

Harry finds herself sitting on the sofa, holding a cup of tea, Niall sitting next to her. 

“I think me and Louis might be over,” she whispers. It brings about a new wave of tears. 

“Fuck,” Niall says. “I’ll kill her myself.” She gets up off the sofa and Harry looks up at her. 

She shakes her head. “Don’t.” The tea is plucked from her hands and she wipes at her eyes. 

It takes a few minutes before she’s gathered herself enough to tell Niall everything that has been going on since the sex tape was released. Every question that she’s avoided answering in the months since the tape came out comes spilling out of her mouth. She’s absolutely exhausted. Her heart feels like it is literally breaking in her chest, and she’s just _exhausted_.

“But that was _months_ ago,” Niall says eventually, her hand flexing on her leg, fidgeting like she’s still fighting the impulse to go and sort Louis out. The gesture isn’t lost on Harry. “We’re well into March now and no one thinks of that.”

Harry scoffs. “Try telling Louis that.” She rubs at her temples. “She’s only half there. All of the time. Didn’t you notice it at Christmas? Her birthday? _My_ birthday? She’s always got one eye on her laptop, trying to do _god knows what_. Fix it, I guess?” She lets out a heavy sigh. 

“Do you think she’s going to Doncaster?”

Harry shrugs. “I honestly don’t know.”

Silence falls over them. Harry is so utterly _wrecked_. She doesn’t have a clue what to do now. Or where to go from here. She really doesn’t want things to be over with Louis. She loves Louis with her entire being. She doesn’t want to lose that for anything in the world. She just isn’t sure how to have a relationship with someone who has shut her out like Louis has. 

“Zayn’s not going to be back from uni for a few hours if you want to go have a nap?” Niall offers.

“Thanks, but I don’t think I could sleep right now,” Harry replies, picking at her cuticles. Her entire body is thrumming with nervous energy still. “I don’t even know if I should call Jay and tell her what happened.”

Niall bites her lip. “I think you should,” she says slowly. “Just so Jay knows what kind of mood she’s in when she gets there.”

Harry nods. She hesitates before setting her phone back down. “What if we’re really done, Niall? I don’t think I can live without her.”

Niall crowds into Harry’s space, hugging her tightly. “I don’t think you guys are over. And if you are, then we’ll deal with it. And you know you’re always welcome to stay here.”

Harry nods again, her tears falling too fast to bother trying to wipe away. “I don’t want to break up with her. I love her so damn much.”

“I know you do,” Niall says softly. She lifts a hand and brushes away Harry’s tears. “And I know she loves you, too. She’s just a bit lost at the moment.” 

Harry takes a shaky breath. “Yeah,” she says in a small voice.

“Have your tea. I’ll let Zayn know you’re here.”

Niall picks up Harry’s tea again and passes it to her. She presses a lingering kiss to Harry’s forehead before getting up off the couch. 

Harry stares at her phone and turns it face down. She can wait to call Jay after she’s had her tea first.

~*~

“What do you mean she’s not there?” Harry asks. She knows she sounds hysterical, but she can’t help it. “It’s been three hours since the car was due to leave! She should’ve been there already!”

“ _I know, poppet_ ,” Jay says. “ _I’ve tried to call her, too, but she isn’t answering_.”

“I’ll call the car service, see if the driver took her anywhere else,” Harry says, her brain working at a hundred miles an hour.

“ _Call me when you’re done, please_.” 

“I will, Jay,” Harry replies, nodding, even though Jay can’t see her.

“ _And Harry? Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve done the right thing. Through all of this. My daughter is her own worst enemy at times_.”

“That doesn’t stop me from feeling like shit,” Harry says sighing heavily. “You didn’t hear our fight, Jay. It was horrendous.”

“ _I know what Louis is like. You’ll get through this_.”

Harry sighs again. They say their goodbyes and disconnect the call. Harry immediately calls the car service company, pacing the guest room of Zayn and Niall’s flat as she does.

She can’t stop shaking when she gets off the phone.

“Haz?” Niall asks when Harry wanders back out into the lounge room. “What’s wrong?”

“She’s not in Doncaster. So I called the car service company,” Harry starts slowly, her brain still unable to process what she was just told. “They picked up someone matching Louis’ description but took her to Heathrow.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” Zayn says. 

Harry collapses on the floor next to the arm chair. “She’s run away.”

Niall quickly sits on the floor next to Harry, wrapping her arms around her tightly. Harry can’t breathe. She literally can’t breathe. 

“Niall, she’s having a panic attack,” Zayn says, her voice sounding so far away.

Harry can’t breathe. Her chest feels impossibly tight. Her fingers are going numb and her vision blurry and she _can’t breathe_. She’s going to die and the last thing she said to Louis were words in anger. 

There are hands on Harry’s face, and a persistent but soft voice speaking to her. 

Harry blinks, wondering how the hell she got out onto Niall and Zayn’s balcony.

“There we go,” Zayn says softly. Her hands are soft on Harry’s cheeks as Harry’s vision swims back into focus.

“What happened?” she asks.

“You had a pretty big panic attack,” Zayn says softly. “Thankfully, they only last twenty minutes at most. I brought you outside because the fresh air helps.”

“Thank you,” Harry mumbles. She turns her gaze to the London skyline. From this high up, she can only really see other buildings. From her flat, she can see a little more. 

Zayn presses a glass of water into Harry’s hands. “Drink.”

Harry grips the glass a little tighter than necessary and brings the glass to her lips. She takes long, greedy gulps of the cold liquid, feeling her insides sing in relief. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Pretty shit.”

“Understandable.”

The glass is removed from her hands and Zayn laces their fingers together. They stay there in silence, just watching the world. Harry can hear the traffic below them. Some sirens go off in the distance, and a flock of birds pass them while they stand there.

The sun is starting to set in the sky, and Harry doesn’t know what the hell is going on anymore.

There’s a bang that makes Harry jump. She looks behind her and sees Niall’s blonde head of hair. She lets out a breath and rubs at her temples.

“C’mon,” Zayn says softly. She squeezes Harry’s hand and leads her back into the house. Harry follows her into the lounge room and Harry’s heart both speeds up and slows down all at once.

“I don’t want to go to Doncaster.”

“Louis,” she breathes. “What–?”

“And I don’t want to lose you, either. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Harry.”

Harry opens her mouth but nothing comes out. 

“I didn’t… I didn’t realise how selfish I was being. It’s just.” She sighs heavily. “ _Everything_ is so hard. My staff all stare at me when they think I’m not looking. And I _know_ that _every_ single one of them have seen the tape. I know that my _mum_ has seen it. Some arsehole sent it to her on Facebook. I know that Lottie and Fizzy have seen it. I know that my _grandparents_ have seen it. 

“And I don’t know how to deal with it. I thought… I thought that by working harder, _proving_ that it doesn’t bother me would make it real. It would erase it from search engines and people would stop talking about it.

“I get stopped on the street by random people telling me they’ve seen it. And they either support me or they’re disgusted in me, and they think they have the _right_ to tell me so.” She runs a hand over her face and the motion breaks Harry’s heart all over again. “Even when people message me to give me their support, I _know_ that they’ve seen it, too.

“Evan won. Sure, I still have my company, but she _won_ , Harry. She wanted to destroy me and she _did_.”

“Only because you let her.”

Louis blinks, looking up at Harry, tears welling in her eyes.

“We were supposed to deal with this _together_ , Louis,” Harry says. “You _promised_ me that we would deal with this together. But you took it all on yourself. _All_ of it. And I get it. I _do_. I get that you wanted to protect me from this, that you thought you were doing the right thing. But how can I trust that you promise to love me for the rest of our lives if you can’t keep the promise that we’d deal with this together?”

Louis bursts into tears. Harry closes the gap between them and holds Louis tight to her chest. Her shirt is soaked through within seconds. It absolutely kills her to see Louis like this. She feels so useless. Like she can’t even comfort her own fiancée properly.

“I’m worried all of the time, Lou,” Harry continues. “ _All of the time_. Your mum is, too. You didn’t even notice when she called you last week. You were so wrapped up in your work that you didn’t even call her back. And now we’re here. And I _don’t know_ what to do any more.”

“I’m sorry. I’m _so sorry_ ,” Louis sobs.

Harry strokes her hair. “I know. But now we have to fix it.”

Louis nods against her chest. “I will. I promise I will.”

Harry sighs. 

“I…” Louis trails off, lifting her head to look at Harry. “I know…” She clears her throat. “I know my promises don’t mean much, but I _promise_ to fix this.”

The sincerity makes Harry’s heart ache. “Together.”

“Together,” Louis echoes. Harry passes her the box of tissues sitting on the coffee table.

“We’ll see how it goes, okay?”

“Just… please don’t leave me.”

“I don’t want to,” Harry whispers. “But I need to trust you again.”

They fall silent. Harry realises that Niall and Zayn probably heard everything they just said to each other. 

“I still think you should go to Doncaster,” Harry says after a few long moments of silence. Louis opens her mouth to protest, but Harry holds up a hand. “I think it would do you the world of good to go and be with your mum and your family for a few days.”

Louis looks like she wants to disagree, but she nods once. “If that’s what it takes.”

“It’s a start,” Harry says. “And when you get back, I’ll have a therapist lined up for you, okay?” Louis nods again. 

“Let’s get some dinner and then I’ll call the car company to come pick you up.”

“Alright,” Louis agrees. She gives Harry a look that has Harry pressing their lips together softly for a few brief seconds. She desperately hopes that they can make it through this.

~*~

If Harry thought that the months following the sex tape scandal were hard, she was wrong. It has nothing on how hard it is to sleep without Louis, knowing that she’s not going to climb into bed even just for a couple of hours.

After Louis had successfully reached Doncaster, Harry had taken a shower and gone to bed. She’s still at Niall and Zayn’s. She doesn’t think she can bring herself to sleep in her and Louis’ bed without her. 

Not that she’s asleep right now, either. 

It’s the second night, and Harry is still awake. She’d barely managed a couple of hours the night before, unable to get her brain to switch off. But now it’s the next night and she still can’t sleep. She’s been staring at the ceiling for what feels like five years already. She’s tried everything she can possibly think of, and short of calling Louis, who is hopefully asleep herself, there’s nothing she can do.

With a sigh, Harry gets up out of bed. She walks as quietly as possible through the flat to Niall and Zayn’s room. The door is closed and Harry opens it slowly. She peers inside. They’re both fast asleep. She bites her lip but walks in, closing the door behind her. Zayn’s side of the bed has more space free than Niall’s, so she shuffles over and climbs under the covers. Zayn makes a noise and smacks her lips together in her sleep.

Harry feels a little bad for intruding like this. She’s already intruded on their lives so much these last couple of days. But her desire for comfort outweighs her current guilt of getting into their bed.

“Alright?” Zayn’s voice startles Harry and she looks over at her friend.

“Can’t sleep,” Harry whispers.

“C’mere,” Zayn mumbles, opening her arms. Harry scoots in closer, snuggling into Zayn’s arms. Zayn kisses the top of her head and runs her hands through Harry’s hair a couple of times before she’s fast asleep again.

It isn’t Louis, but it’s soothing, Harry thinks as she _finally_ drifts off to sleep.

Thankfully, when she wakes the next day, neither Zayn nor Niall are mad at her.

“We get it,” Niall says through a mouthful of toast. “You’ve been sharing a bed with Louis for, what, a year now? It’s going to be hard.”

Harry bites her own toast and sighs. “I just miss her a lot.”

“She’ll be home soon enough,” Niall says. It isn’t reassuring, but it’s the truth. 

She’s been in contact with Jay, who spoke to Harry briefly the night Louis got to Doncaster, and then again the next day, just filling her in on things that were going on. It stings that Louis didn’t want to talk to her for more than five minutes. She gets it. Or at least she _thinks_ that she gets it, but she probably doesn’t. It’s all just hard and Harry wants her life back. She wants her fiancée back. 

They’re meant to get married in July. And now she isn’t even sure if Louis will be well enough to do that. 

Everything just sucks.

“I might go stay at Mum’s,” Harry says as she sets her cup of tea down. “I don’t want to keep imposing on you guys.”

“You’re not imposing,” Zayn replies. “You’re our best friend, Haz. We’re always going to be here for you.”

“Thank you,” Harry says. “But I should go tell Mum what’s going on. She doesn’t have a clue that Louis is in Doncaster. She’s probably wondering why Louis isn’t even at work. I don’t know what Liam’s told everyone about her absence.”

“They don’t need to know,” Niall says emphatically. “Louis is their boss, her life is _hers_ and she doesn’t need to share it with a bunch of wankers who keep badgering her about that bloody sex tape.”

Zayn rests her hand on Niall’s shoulder. A gesture that is simple but effective. Harry tries not to stare. 

“I just don’t know what to do,” Harry says, looking down at the dregs of her tea. “About any of it. I’ve got Louis an appointment with a therapist that Liam recommended, but that’s it.”

“You’re doing what you can do,” Zayn says softly. “And you know that you are. These things take time. Louis is going through a lot, she’s grieving, and you being there for her is exactly what she needs. And it’s exactly what you can do.”

 _It doesn’t feel like enough_ , Harry thinks glumly. But she nods at Zayn anyway.

“Thank you,” Harry says. “For being here for me.”

“Of course,” Niall replies. “We’re doing what we can by being here for you.”

The corners of Harry’s lips tug upwards and she nods. “I’m going to go take a bath,” she says, getting up. “You don’t mind, do you?”

“Nah, ’course not,” Niall says. “You can use our bathroom, if you like. I got some more bath bombs from Lush the other day, so help yourself.”

Harry gives them both a grateful look. “Thank you,” she says. She kisses both of their cheeks before setting her dishes in the sink and wandering through to their ensuite bathroom.

It doesn’t fix everything, but the bath is incredibly relaxing. Harry tees up her relaxation playlist on her phone and has it sitting on the vanity, playing softly. The Lush bath bomb she chose was perfect and smells absolutely heavenly. 

She isn’t surprised that she falls asleep, given how much she _hasn’t_ slept lately. Niall knocks on the door, waking her and Harry sits up, blinking.

“Hey,” Niall says. “I figured you’d fallen asleep.”

“Sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Niall says. She sits on the edge of the bath tub. “Zayn had to go to uni, so it’s just you and me. Did you want to go out for lunch?”

Harry bites her lip. “I’m not really hungry.”

“Stiff shit,” Niall says. “You need to eat. And we can either go out, or you can be subjected to my cooking.”

Harry grins up at Niall. “We can go out.”

“Atta girl,” Niall says with a wink. “Get dressed and then we’ll go.”

Harry nods and Niall disappears. She pulls the plug and the water slurps noisily down the drain. She gets out, wrapping a fluffy towel around her body. She rinses out the remaining bath bomb grit before drying herself off properly.

Once she’s dressed, she feels more refreshed than she has in days. It feels good. She feels semi-human for once.

“You look good,” Niall says. 

These days Harry has taken more to wearing black. It wasn’t a conscious choice. Not by a long shot. She just stood in the wardrobe one day after the tape had come out and decided that her pink dresses were far too… _much_ for her. So it’s been black skinny jeans and darker toned shirts ever since. 

Today, though, Harry is wearing one of Niall’s old dresses. One that she hasn’t worn in a _long_ time. Harry isn’t actually sure if she even remembers Niall wearing it at _all_. It’s a soft yellow with white daisies printed on it.

“Thank you,” Harry replies. 

“Where’d you get that?”

“Your wardrobe.”

Niall scoffs. “As if that thing was in my wardrobe!”

Harry grins. “ _It was_ ,” she says in a singsong voice.

“Blasphemy!”

Niall wraps her arms around Harry in a loose hug that turns into a tighter one. She presses a kiss to Harry’s cheek before taking her hand, leading them out of the flat.

“She hasn’t touched me in months,” Harry says when they’re half way through their meal. 

“Fuck,” Niall says through her mouthful of food. 

Harry nods. “There’s been a couple of quick fingerings here and there when she’s particularly frustrated, but it’s been rare.”

Niall picks up her glass to have a drink. “You both used to go at it all the time, too.”

Harry smiles sadly. “Yeah. We haven’t even been in the play room since shortly after Louis did the _Vanity Fair_ interview. You know, before the tape came out.”

“That’s your kinky sex room, right?” Niall asks, cocking her head to the side.

Harry flushes but nods. She moves her food around on her plate with her fork. She wasn’t lying when she said she wasn’t that hungry.

Niall notices. “ _Eat_.”

“I don’t mind not having sex,” Harry says. She stabs a piece of lettuce and eats it. “It’s just that she used to initiate things. We’ve had sex maybe three times since the tape came out. _Three_. That’s it.”

“Even Zayn and I have had more sex than that this month alone,” Niall says. “I know lesbian bed death is meant to be some kind of _thing_ , but I never really believed in that. Sure, Zayn and I got more comfortable with each other after getting married and moving in together, so we didn’t have sex as much as when we were in school. But when we were in school, we were rarely alone, so we took what we could get.

“But we still have sex more than once a month,” Niall continues. “Maybe you guys need to see a couples therapist, too?”

Harry bites her lip. “Do you think we should?”

Niall nods. “Yeah, I really do,” she says. “It’s not just Louis who is suffering here. You told me what you said to Louis the other night – the tape happened to you, too. It’s definitely affected your relationship, and your trust issues with each other. You should give it a try at least.”

Harry ruminates on that as she stabs her fork into a tomato slice. “Maybe…” She sighs heavily. “You’re right. I should see if Liam has any recommendations for a couples therapist, too.”

“It’ll be worth it,” Niall says. “Especially if you still want to get married in July.”

Just thinking about their upcoming wedding has Harry filled with dread where it should fill her with joy. It should excite her to make plans for the day she and Louis finally wed. But she has none of that at the moment, and the thought scares her. Niall is right – they definitely need to see a couples therapist, too. It might be the only way that she feels excited about this wedding again.

~*~

“I’m just here, okay?”

Louis nods and Harry lets go of her hands. She kisses Louis’ cheek softly and Louis walks into the psychiatrist’s office, the door closing firmly behind her. Harry stares at the door for a few long moments, chewing on her bottom lip.

The waiting room is smaller than Harry thought it would be. She takes a seat and stares at the door that Louis walked through for a few long minutes. Eventually, she pulls out her Kindle and loads up a book. Not that she can concentrate enough to read, that is, but the thought is there.

When Jay had called her a few days ago and told her that Louis was coming home, Harry didn’t know what to expect. She didn’t know if Louis would be different, or if she’d slip straight back into her office and back to her old ways.

Surprisingly, she hadn’t. It gave Harry a moment’s relief, but that was about it.

Louis was still quite withdrawn. And she had been since she got back. And Harry is trying not to take it personally, but it _feels_ personal. She feels like Louis is punishing her for sending her away. It just makes everything hurt that much more. 

Liam, the absolute goddess, had given Harry a number for a therapist that specialised in dealing with couples, and Harry had immediately made an appointment. It wasn’t until Monday next week, so they had the weekend to get through, but she knows that it was the right move to make. 

The slight upside was that at least Louis was coming to bed now. Not that it made Harry sleep any easier, but it gave her some comfort knowing that Louis was in bed next to her. She was pretty sure that Louis wasn’t sleeping, either. So both of them lay there at night, not talking to each other, not sleeping, and generally not having a good time of any kind. It was exhausting.

But right now Louis is seeing a psychiatrist. She went to her old family doctor back in Doncaster while she was there, and given her history, she was recommended to see a psychiatrist before seeing a regular therapist. Harry isn’t exactly sure what the difference is, but she supports the decision one hundred percent. She just wants this to work for Louis, whatever it ends up being. 

Nerves flutter around in Harry’s stomach as she stares at the door, wondering what conversation is going on behind it. Whatever it is, she just hopes with her whole heart that it helps Louis. She hasn’t been this nervous since Sophia’s fashion show last year. God, that feels like a lifetime ago. 

Harry chews her lip and closes the cover of her Kindle. She pulls out her phone to play some games while she waits. At least she doesn’t have to concentrate too much to play games. 

After what feels like the longest hour of Harry’s life, the door to the psychiatrist’s office finally opens and Louis exits. The psychiatrist is an older woman with greying red hair. She has a kind face and wears glasses. She introduced herself earlier as Hannah. Harry desperately wishes that something good has come from this appointment.

Harry gets up and stands, feeling awkward as she waits for Louis to look at her.

“Take care of yourself, Louis,” Hannah says gently.

Louis nods. “Thank you.”

To her surprise, Louis reaches for Harry’s hand as they leave the building. Her heart thuds in her chest at the action.

The ride home is silent, Louis staring out at the window while Harry drives. She pulls into her parking space and shuts off the engine. She unclicks her seatbelt and turns to face Louis.

“How did it go?” she asks softly, searching Louis’ face for a hint of an answer. “Was she nice? Did you like her?”

Louis nods. “She thinks I have depression.”

Harry reaches over and places her hand on Louis’ forearm, giving her a soft squeeze. “Okay.”

“She thinks that couples therapy is a good idea, too,” Louis adds, looking down at Harry’s hand on her arm. “And she wants me to go on some medication until I feel… _normal_ again.”

Harry bites her lip. “More you?”

Louis nods. “Yeah, something like that.” She sighs and unclicks her own seat belt. “Can you go to the pharmacy and fill these prescriptions for me?”

“Of course,” Harry says. Louis passes her the papers and gets out of the car. All without looking Harry in the eyes. It makes Harry’s heart ache in her chest. She watches Louis walk away and disappear into the building. She closes her eyes for a few, long moments, and blinks back tears.

With a shaky breath, Harry starts the car and pulls her seatbelt back across her body. The pharmacy isn’t that far away, and Harry steps into the harshly lit shop, making her way to the prescriptions counter. She browses the rows of hair dyes while she waits, not really seeing them at all.

When Louis’ order is filled, the pharmacist levels her with a look. 

“These antidepressants will take roughly six weeks to start working properly,” he says, all business. Harry nods, paying attention to everything he says. “The sleeping tablets can leave you feeling drowsy, so don’t drive, and definitely don’t consume any alcohol while taking them. They can be addictive, too, so keep that in mind. If you follow the instructions your psychiatrist gave you on how to take them properly, you shouldn’t have any problems. If you have any questions, feel free to call.”

“Thank you,” Harry says. She pays for them and takes the bag, heading back to her car. 

Once in it, she opens the bag and sees the bottle of sleeping tablets. She peers at the label, seeing the instructions that Hannah had given. She does the same for the antidepressants just so she knows exactly how Louis has to take them if she forgets. Satisfied, Harry starts the car and drives back home.

“Lou?” she calls out when she unlocks the door. There’s no answer. She kicks off her shoes and puts her coat and handbag in the cupboard before wandering through the house. Louis is sitting on the sofa, staring at the television. Harry can tell that she isn’t watching it.

“I’m home.”

Louis looks up. “Hi. Did you get them?”

Harry nods. “Yeah. They’re best taken with food, so you can have your first one with dinner.”

“Alright,” Louis says, turning her attention back to the television. 

Harry stares at her for a few beats longer before walking into the kitchen. She has no idea what she’s doing. She puts the medications on the counter near the toaster before turning on the kettle. She makes Louis a cup of tea and takes it to her. It goes completely untouched.

Harry makes dinner for them both, but Louis barely eats. Thankfully, she has enough to take one of her tablets, which Harry gives to her. 

“Would you like me to run you a bath?” Harry asks once they’ve finished eating.

“No, I’m just going to go to bed.”

“Take a sleeping tablet, then,” Harry says. She opens the bottle and tips one out for Louis. She takes it and has a sip of water to swallow it down. 

“Night.”

“…Night,” Harry echoes. She does the dishes, scrubbing at their plates with a little more force than usual. 

She takes a deep breath and tells herself at least they’re on the right path now. Louis is getting help, and things will eventually get better. She isn’t sure how long it’s going to take, but she’s here for the long haul. With time, she hopes that Louis realises that, too.

~*~

Therapy is… not what Harry expects it to be.

It’s been a few weeks since Louis started her antidepressants and started seeing her own therapist a few times a week. Harry takes her to every single appointment, sitting in the waiting room, unable to read, but unwilling to just sit there idly. 

After the first two weeks of Louis seeing her own therapist, April, they start seeing a therapist together. Iris is lovely. Younger than Harry was expecting, but she has a good energy about her, which Harry likes.

Their first session is awkward. Harry doesn’t know how to talk to a therapist and Louis is reserved as well. She spends the entire appointment thinking that if she says something, it will come out like she’s attacking Louis, and she doesn’t want that at all. By the end of the first session, Harry didn’t feel like they’ve accomplished anything, and she goes home feeling defeated.

Their second session was a little better, and the third even better than that. Harry has hope that this will work for them. 

Now, though, she’s lying on the floor of Sophia and Liam’s house with Willow in arm’s reach, and it’s the happiest that Harry has felt in a long time. She feels guilty even thinking that. But it’s just _simple_ being here with Willow. She doesn’t have to think about anything other than keeping Willow from reaching for things she shouldn’t, which she thankfully doesn’t do too often.

They’ve already had dinner, which was easier than Harry expected it to be. Willow is always so easy for Harry, and she hopes that her own kids will be the same when she has them one day.

“That’s right,” Harry coos, grinning when Willow smiles up at her. 

She’s so big now. Harry can’t believe that this beautiful baby is a _whole_ year old. She doesn’t understand how time has gone so fast. She helps Willow with her blocks, guiding her to stack them up until Willow falls on top of them. Harry is glad that they’re soft plastic ones, with rounded edges, because that probably would’ve hurt otherwise.

After they’ve finished playing with the blocks, Willow stands shakily and Harry can’t help but smile. Warmth blooms in her chest when Willow walks over to her and throws herself in Harry’s lap. 

“Such a clever girl!” Harry praises, kissing Willow’s cheek noisily. Willow giggles at the action, her fingers curling in Harry’s hair. She pulls a little too tightly, causing Harry to wince. She quickly untangles Willow’s fist and gives it a quick kiss.

It should be telling that Harry leapt at the chance to baby-sit Willow so that Liam and Sophia could go out, but Harry is trying not to think about that too much. She blames it on the fact that she hasn’t properly seen Willow since her first birthday party, and not for anything else. It makes her feel marginally better. 

“C’mon, sweet one,” Harry says. “It’s bath time!”

She scoops Willow up in her arms and takes her to the bathroom. She has a good splash in the tub while Harry washes her, and by the time Harry has finished, Willow is yawning widely. 

“I understand that deep in my soul,” Harry mutters. She wraps Willow in a fluffy towel and makes her way to Willow’s bedroom. She gets a fresh nappy on her and pulls on her little pyjamas that have sheep on them. It’s almost too cute for words. 

As she lays Willow in her crib, Harry’s heart gives a painful tug. She leans over, kissing the top of Willow’s head and sings softly until she’s fast asleep. She wishes that she could crawl into the crib with her and sleep. She stares at Willow for a few minutes longer, making sure that she isn’t going to wake up before she turns away. She switches on the baby monitor that’s on the chest of drawers, picking up its companion before she leaves. 

Harry makes herself some dinner and sits on the sofa in front of the television to eat it while watching _Hollyoaks_. 

It’s odd being alone, she thinks after she’s done her dishes and is sitting on the sofa again. Actively being alone, that is. She feels alone around Louis all of the time, and while that’s getting a little better day by day, it’s something Harry has been feeling for months now.

But to be alone by _choice_ where she isn’t wondering when Louis is going to come home, or come out of her home office, or anything is just… _bizarre_. And though she feels a little guilty, she doesn’t feel so horrible inside, the guilt isn’t crushing like it once was.

That’s something that they’ve been talking about in their therapy sessions, how Harry feels all of this guilt for not being able to help Louis how she needs it. While therapy is odd for her, Harry knows that it’s working. 

It’s one thing to vent to their friends, but to have an objective third party force them to actually talk has been wondrous for Harry. She feels like Louis is actually seeing her for the first time in a really long time. They’re acknowledging each other and each other’s feelings. And it’s good. It’s odd as hell, and not anything that Harry was expecting, but it’s good. It’s a start, and that’s all she can hope for.

She doesn’t expect things to just go back to how they were – this thing is still between them, and it’s going to take some time to work through, but Harry is actually positive about the outcome for once. 

And she’s thinking they might still be able to get married in July after all. 

It’s late when Sophia and Liam get home. Harry’s burrowed on the couch, a blanket covering her as she reads _properly_. She’s just finishing her book when they’re entering the house. 

“Heya,” Sophia says with a smile. “How was she?”

“An absolute angel, of course,” Harry replies. She folds the blanket and places it on the end of the couch. 

“Oh, good,” Sophia says. “She’s teething again, and we were half expecting a call.”

Harry shakes her head. “She was a little fussy during dinner, but we handled it. Bath time was a breeze, and she went out like a light. She’s only woken the once for a bottle, but she went right back to sleep.”

Sophia sighs, relief flooding her features. “I’m so glad.”

“Thank you again, Harry,” Liam says. “You’re a life saver.”

“You know that it’s my biggest joy in life to spend time with Willow,” Harry replies easily. “I just wish that I could fit in her cot with her.”

Liam laughs. “I get that,” she says. 

“Alright, well, I’m going to head home then,” Harry says. She closes the cover on her Kindle and picks up her phone off the coffee table. 

“How’s Louis?” Sophia asks as Harry shrugs on her coat.

“She’s been better this week,” Harry replies honestly. “I think her antidepressants are finally starting to work.”

“Oh, good,” Sophia says. “We’re looking forward to coming over on Sunday.”

“Me too,” Harry replies. And she finds that she is. She isn’t even dreading Sunday like she knows she would have a month ago. But now? She knows that Louis will actually eat something, and she’ll interact with their friends. She’ll be exhausted afterwards, but Harry knows that Louis will enjoy herself, too.

She bids Liam and Sophia goodbye and makes her way back home.

Louis is, surprisingly, still awake when Harry walks into their bedroom. 

“Just taking a shower,” she says. Louis nods. Her glasses are perched on her face and she’s reading a physical book. Pride surges in Harry’s chest at the sight.

She’s quick in the shower, glad she doesn’t have to wash her hair tonight. She wanders back into the room, naked, and she actually catches Louis looking at her. She pulls on a pair of knickers and a loose tank top to sleep in and climbs into bed next to Louis.

“Good book?” she asks, lying down on her side, propping her head up with her hand.

“It is, actually,” Louis replies. She slots her bookmark into place and closes the book over, putting it, and her glasses on the nightstand. “How was Willow?”

“She’s the cutest ever,” Harry says with a grin. “She’s trying to walk more now, which is awesome. She wobbles more than she walks, though, but it’s absolutely hilarious to watch.” 

Louis shuffles so she’s facing Harry. She reaches over and pushes Harry’s hair over her shoulder, her thumb brushing over the mound of her cheekbone.

“Sophia and Liam said they’re looking forward to Sunday, too,” Harry continues, trying to not let Louis show how affected she is by her touch. 

“Me too,” Louis says as she strokes down Harry’s upper arm, leaving goosebumps in her wake. “Your Sunday roasts rival my mum’s.”

“That’s high praise,” Harry says. 

“You deserve it.” 

Harry watches Louis. Watches as Louis’ gaze flicks to her lips and back up again. Watches as Louis trails her hand down Harry’s arm and links their fingers together. She watches Louis bring their joined hands to her lips and kiss the back of Harry’s hand. 

Her pulse spikes ever so slightly at the intensity in Louis’ eyes. An intensity that hasn’t been there in Harry doesn’t know how long. She stays silent as Louis shifts, pressing closer, their bodies flush against each other. She can feel Louis’ breasts pressing against her own through the fabric of their clothes. 

“Lou?” she whispers, terrified to break the spell.

“Hmm?” Louis mumbles, running her hand back up Harry’s arm and then down her back, hand flat against her spine. 

“Nothing.”

Louis’ gaze snaps back to her own. Her blue eyes shine in the dim light of the room, effectively pinning Harry where she is. Harry’s breath stutters in her throat and she closes her eyes as Louis cups her arse over her knickers. She squeezes the flesh and Harry bites down on her bottom lip. It has been _so long_ since Louis touched her like this. 

“Can I kiss you?” Louis whispers. 

Harry opens her eyes and nods. Louis’ lips tug up in the corners and she dips her head, keeping her eyes locked on Harry’s the entire time. 

Their lips meet, barely brushing against each other. Louis’ breath is warm against Harry’s cheek. Her skin tingles everywhere Louis’ body is pressed against her own. Boldly, Harry rests her hand on Louis’ hip, just waiting for Louis to roll away and out of her touch like she has every other time that Harry has tried to touch her in the past months. But it doesn’t come. Harry feels like she could cry. 

“Oh, love,” Louis says. She lifts her hand and wipes away Harry’s tears that she didn’t realise were falling. 

“I’m sorry,” Harry says, sobbing. She buries her face in her hands, her body shaking as she cries. 

Louis wraps her arms around Harry as best as she can and just holds her. Harry clings onto Louis, her hands fisting tightly in Louis’ shirt.

“I’m the one who’s sorry,” Louis says into Harry’s hair as her crying slowly subsides. “I’ve hurt you so badly and I can’t… I hate myself so much for treating you like this.” She presses her lips into the top of Harry’s head. “I don’t know how you stayed with me for so long.”

“Because I love you,” Harry says wetly. She pulls back, looking at Louis through tear-filled eyes. “Because you’re the _one_. The best thing in my life. The woman I want to marry and have a hundred kids with.”

“But I’ve treated you so badly,” Louis says brokenly. “I can see that now. I was so selfish and careless, and I did the one thing that I promised I wouldn’t do, and that’s _hurt you_.”

Harry shakes her head, but her tears obscure her vision. She tries to press closer to Louis, seeking out Louis’ lips with her own. They slot together and Harry’s body sags against Louis’. The kiss is sloppy and ridiculously wet, and Harry’s sure her tears are getting absolutely everywhere, but _Louis is kissing her back_ and that’s all that she cares about.

“I’m going to make it better,” Louis says as she pulls back. She cups Harry’s face in her hands. “I’m going to work on us until we’re okay again.”

Harry nods. She believes Louis with her entire heart.

~*~

Things don’t instantly get easier between them, but they’re more aware of each other. Louis visibly makes an effort to communicate more with Harry, rather than shut her out. And Harry can’t express how much she appreciates it. In turn, Harry makes sure that she doesn’t just assume Louis isn’t going to want to do something because that’s been the way for the past few months. She gives Louis time to decide on her own, and supports whatever she decides.

They start kissing again, too. Which makes Harry all kinds of happy. They’re not just the pecks that Louis would give her every morning before work and whenever she remembered to come to bed. But they’re _proper_ kisses.

The first time after that night that Louis kisses Harry takes her completely by surprise. It’s after dinner on the Sunday night, which was wonderful. Harry was doing the dishes and Louis just kissed her. Tongue and all. Harry had masturbated in the shower afterwards it was that good.

And Louis has started touching her more, too. Nothing sexual, but just touching Harry like she used to do – effortlessly. Harry can see the improvement in Louis and it makes her so incredibly happy. 

Louis doesn’t come home from work and go straight into her office anymore, either. Which Harry counts as a massive win. And she’s even cut down her hours at work significantly, too, actually trusting her team to do their jobs without her there to oversee everything.

It’s Friday night, and Harry is in love. 

They’ve been playing Scrabble, and Harry is winning. She just played the word ‘may’ and feels quite proud of herself.

“Get it? Because Sunday is the first of May.”

“I get it, love,” Louis says fondly. 

It’s nice, being like this, Harry thinks. They had a lovely dinner together, that Harry had cooked, and they’re spending time together like they used to, and Harry is _completely_ in love with Louis. 

Louis plays her word and Harry’s jaw drops open. “Jazz for eighty-one points, that blank tile is the extra ‘z’,” she says, writing down her score on the paper. “I believe I’m ahead now, love.”

“I was going to use that triple word square!” Harry says incredulously. 

“You shouldn’t have left it open, then,” Louis teases. Harry pokes her tongue out at Louis and she grins. 

The rest of the game isn’t as exciting as that one move, and Louis ends up winning, much to Harry’s chagrin. She was sure that she was going to win when she put down ‘moxie’ on a triple word square earlier in the game, but Louis went and swooped in, taking the lead for herself.

She packs the game up, stowing the box in its rightful spot. She makes her way to the kitchen where Louis is having a glass of water. There’s a glass waiting for Harry as well, and she gives Louis a soft smile, thanking her as she takes a drink. 

“And I think it’s bed time for me now,” Louis says as she puts her empty glass in the sink.

“ _Yes_ ,” Harry says emphatically. “I love bed.” She washes out their glasses and sets them on the rack to dry. “I’m great in bed – I can sleep for _days_.”

Really, it’s not even funny, Harry thinks, but Louis cracks up laughing like it’s the best joke she’s heard in her life. The noise makes Harry’s skin tingle pleasantly. She turns to face Louis, realising that this is the first time that Louis has _properly_ laughed in a very long time. It makes her heart soar in her chest.

“What?” Louis asks when she’s calmed down enough to see that Harry is staring at her.

Wordlessly, Harry closes the distance between them. Her lips are instantly on Louis’, kissing her hotly. Louis returns the kiss with equal fervour, her mouth opening under Harry’s. She moans as their tongues slide together. Harry’s body tingles all over. Louis’ hands are hot on her hips where she holds them, her fingers digging in _just_ this side of too painful.

“Bed,” Louis says throatily. Harry nods and lets Louis lead her to their bedroom.

The air between them is charged, practically crackling with electricity. Harry doesn’t know where this is going, but she hopes there’s more of those kisses. 

Louis shucks off her slippers and her pyjama bottoms and climbs up onto the bed in just her knickers and shirt. Harry quickly follows her, scooting in close to Louis. Louis is kissing her hotly again, one hand tangled in Harry’s hair, the other stroking down Harry’s side. The angle is a little awkward, so Harry climbs into Louis’ lap. Louis’ hands immediately slide up the back of Harry’s shirt, her hands scorching the skin she touches.

Harry whines in the back of her throat, pressing into Louis a little harder. She can’t stop touching Louis. Everything feels brand new to her, like she’s getting to do this for the first time all over again. 

Before she knows it, Louis’ hands are on the hem of Harry’s shirt, tugging upwards. Harry pulls back enough to take it off, throwing it over the side of the bed. Louis’ hands immediately cup her breasts, her thumbs rubbing over Harry’s nipples. The action shoots straight through to Harry’s crotch. Her clit throbs between her legs, aching to be touched. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” she hisses when Louis’ mouth closes around one of her nipples. Her hand goes to the back of Louis’ head, holding her in place as Louis practically _worships_ Harry’s nipple. She rolls the hardened nub with her tongue, tugging at it with her teeth. Harry pants heavily, fingers tangling in Louis’ hair. Louis’ teeth scrape against her nipple as she pulls off, moving to her other one. 

Harry’s eyes practically roll back in her head at the sensation. Her entire body is on fire. Her skin sings everywhere Louis touches her, leaving trails of fire in her wake. Harry crashes their lips together again, kissing Louis with all of the passion she feels in her bones. 

She still isn’t expecting anything to happen. She _hopes_ that maybe there will be something but she doesn’t want to expect anything that Louis isn’t ready for. 

Louis pulls back and whips her own shirt over her head, throwing it over the side of the bed. Harry pushes Louis backwards until she’s lying down and immediately takes one of Louis’ nipples into her mouth, giving them the same treatment that Louis gave hers. 

It’s absolutely amazing to hear Louis moan. The noise goes straight to Harry’s aching pussy. She loves these noises more than she’ll ever be able to say. 

“Harry, Harry,” Louis whispers underneath her. “Kiss me.”

Harry grins down at Louis and kisses her again. Their bodies press together, skin on skin, and Harry never wants this to stop. Louis kisses her hotly, her hands sliding down Harry’s body until she’s cupping Harry’s arse over her knickers. She squeezes Harry’s cheeks and Harry automatically pushes back into the touch. 

She pulls back and looks down at Louis. 

“What do you want?” she asks bravely.

“You,” Louis says. She lifts a hand to cup Harry’s face, stroking her thumb over Harry’s cheekbone. Harry’s eyes flutter closed at the touch. She leans into Louis’ hand, scared that this moment is going to end before it even begins. 

Harry smiles when Louis sits up enough to press their lips together once more. The kiss isn’t as intense as before, but the heat behind it is the same. 

“Could you touch me?” Louis asks quietly, her voice uncertain.

Harry nods. “I’d love to.” 

Their lips meet again. Louis’ mouth automatically opens underneath Harry’s, their tongues touching, making Harry moan. She slides her hands down Louis’ body until her fingers meet Louis’ knickers. She pulls back again and Louis nods at her. She tugs them down, throwing them far out of reach. She sits there, drinking in the sight of Louis. 

For the first time since they’ve been together, Louis has a full bush. She had been so particular about upkeep before, her own preference, she had told Harry once, but now, there’s hair and Harry _loves_ it. She licks her lips and forces her gaze back up to Louis’ face. 

“It’s not–”

“It’s _perfect_ ,” Harry says, covering Louis’ lips with her own again. She settles against Louis a little better, not putting so much weight on her arms. Louis parts her legs, bracketing Harry’s hips with them. “I can’t wait to touch you,” Harry whispers, trailing kisses down Louis’ jaw and along her throat. 

Louis’s breath hitches, causing Harry to smile against her skin. She pulls back, desperate to look in Louis’ eyes as she touches her for the first time. She gently parts Louis’ folds and brushes her finger _just so_ against Louis’ clit. Louis’ eyes widen dramatically at the touch. It’s absolutely intoxicating.

She pushes down into Harry’s hand, and Harry is helpless but to comply. She slowly fingers Louis, teasing her clit with small circles before she slips a finger inside of her. It’s her own moan that fills the room as Louis’ wet heat envelops her finger. 

“Fuck,” she hisses. 

Louis’ hand is on the back of her head, guiding their lips together once more. Harry kisses Louis with everything she’s worth, moaning into her mouth. Louis’ hips rock into Harry’s touch, matching every movement with her own. Harry can’t stop kissing Louis. Every time she pulls back to catch a breath, she has to dive right back in. Her lips constantly need to touch Louis’. 

“I’m going to come,” Louis whispers right in Harry’s ear. Her breath is hot, making Harry’s skin prickle. She changes angles, her thumb brushing over Louis’ clit and Louis inhales sharply at the touch.

It is absolutely mind-altering watching Louis come. Her body trembles all over, her legs squeezing around Harry’s hips, her walls clenching around Harry’s fingers still inside of her. Harry is amazed. Louis’ body shakes still as she removes her hand. Their gazes lock as Harry brings her fingers to her lips, sucking Louis’ wetness off them. She purposefully licks her lips afterwards, just to see Louis’ eyes darken at the action.

“Come here,” Louis says, making grabby hands at Harry. She grins and settles her body against Louis’ own, feeling absolutely powerful with making Louis come like that.

“I love you,” Louis whispers. She looks up at Harry with such love in her eyes that it makes Harry’s heart hurt. 

“I love you too,” Harry returns. 

Louis rolls them both over so she’s on top of Harry. “Can I go down on you?”

“Are you sure?”

Louis nods.

“Yes, please.”

“So polite, Harry.” Louis noses at Harry’s cheek until she turns her head to the side, giving Louis plenty of access. Her lips are against Harry’s neck, moving in feather light touches at first. It soon turns a little _more_ and she’s sucking the flesh into her mouth. Louis pulls back before anything can really stick, and Harry automatically pouts at the loss.

Louis kisses her way down Harry’s chest, sucking briefly on all four of her nipples before continuing lower. She kneels between Harry’s legs and reaches for the hem of her underwear. Harry wriggles out of it and it joins the rest of their clothes on the floor. 

“So beautiful,” Louis says. She drops a kiss right on Harry’s pubic mound before moving to kiss her thighs. 

Harry’s legs tremble under Louis’ touch. She sighs when Louis properly parts her legs and settles between them. 

“Can’t wait to taste you, princess,” Louis says.

The pet name makes Harry’s heart thud in her chest. Along with many other things, that name stopped being said, too. It makes Harry’s body thrum and her clit ache harder.

Louis licks a fat stripe up Harry’s pussy, her tongue hardening to a point when she reaches Harry’s clit. 

“ _Oh my god_ ,” Harry whines. She fists Louis’ hair with one hand, throwing her other arm over her eyes. Louis hasn’t even started yet and she’s already on edge.

“Patience,” Louis says, puffing a breath over the damp skin.

“Louis, _please_ ,” she begs. 

“Since you asked so nicely.” The moan that falls from Harry’s lips is impossibly loud. She ruts downwards, trying to seek as much contact as possible. And Louis knows it. She teases Harry, pulling back every time that Harry rocks her hips downward.

Soon, Louis takes pity on her and she sucks Harry’s clit into her mouth. Harry practically screams. It doesn’t take long before Harry’s thighs are trembling around Louis’ head, her fist tightening in her hair as she rocks down into Louis’ gorgeous mouth. 

When Louis slips a finger inside of her and crooks _just so_ , it’s game over. Harry groans loudly, her orgasm coming over her in intense waves. She hasn’t felt like this in such a long time. She had started to forget that sex could feel this good. She rides out her orgasm on Louis’ tongue, moaning and pushing down into Louis’ mouth with every thrust.

She collapses against the bed, completely spent. The bed dips as Louis moves to lie next to her. 

“That was amazing,” Harry pants, still trying to get her breath back.

Louis’ lips are soft on her naked shoulder. “It was.”

Harry cracks open an eye and turns in Louis’ arms. She takes in Louis’ smile, her flushed, happy cheeks and she kisses her. She can taste herself in Louis’ mouth and it makes her moan. 

“God, I forgot how good this can be.”

“Yeah, me too.” Louis strokes Harry’s hair, pushing the strands over her shoulder. 

Harry bites her lip as she watches Louis’ expression change slightly.

“I know I’m not better, not by a long shot,” Louis whispers. “But I’m so thankful that you’re still here, Harry.”

“Like I’d be anywhere else,” Harry replies. She shifts so they’re properly cuddling, their sweat sticky bodies aligned perfectly.

There’s a long road to go down, but Harry is more than willing to make the journey with Louis. She’s going to be with her every step of the way.

~*~

“You look happier.”

Harry looks up from her mixing bowl and smiles at Niall. “I am.”

Niall grins. “Good.” She leans against the island, her hand reaching over to sneak some of the chocolate chips that Harry has aside in a bowl. 

“Niall!” she says exasperatedly. Niall just grins at her, giving her a cheeky grin. “If you want me to make these muffins for you, you’ll keep your hands to yourself.”

Niall just shrugs and reaches for some more chocolate chips before Harry can react. “You love me.”

Harry sighs. “Yeah, I do.” Truthfully, she has more chocolate chips put aside just for this reason. But she isn’t going to tell Niall that – she’ll take it as permission to steal more.

“So…?”

Harry picks up her wooden spoon again, stirring the contents of the bowl. “So what?”

“How’s it going?”

“It’s… It’s getting better,” she says honestly. “She’s talking to me more, we’re touching again – not like that you heathen!” she says at Niall’s waggling eyebrows. 

Niall laughs. “A little like that though, hey?”

Harry promptly flushes. “A little,” she admits. “We actually had sex the other night.”

“I _knew_ it!” Niall exclaims. “Well, Zayn knew it. She has a sixth sense for these things. She said you were glowing.”

Harry’s cheeks grow warm as she remembers the other night. “It was… It was really unexpected,” she replies. “But it was really nice, too.”

“Good,” Niall says. “You deserve it.”

“Thank you,” Harry says, her heart blooming in her chest. “I know we’ve got a long way to go, but we’re getting there.”

Niall nods. She moves around the kitchen, opening cupboards until she finds some crisps. Harry keeps a stock of Niall’s favourite for moments like these. Niall leans against the island again, eating her crisps as Harry pours the batter into the muffin cases lining the pan. 

Once she’s got them in the oven to cook, she sets her timer and starts cleaning up the mess she made.

“Do you think the wedding is still going to happen?”

“I hope so,” Harry says sincerely. “It’s not going to magically fix everything, but I really want to get married to her.”

Harry fills the sink with water and detergent, watching as bubbles form. “I’m a bit scared, though.”

“That’s understandable considering everything that’s gone on this year,” Niall says. She sets her crisp packet down and licks her fingers. “What does your therapist think?”

“We haven’t asked her yet,” Harry says nervously. “We see her tomorrow and I’m going to ask then…” She sighs and scrubs harder at the mixing bowl than is absolutely necessary. “It shouldn’t… It doesn’t matter, does it? What the therapist thinks? What if she says Louis isn’t ready? What if she doesn’t think we should get married at all? That Louis is better off without me?”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Niall says, placing her hand on Harry’s forearm. “None of that. Anyone with _eyes_ can see how in love you two are. You’re a fantastic couple, Haz. Don’t let your doubts take over what you _know_ to be true.”

Harry sighs again. She takes a shaky breath. “I’m just scared. Louis has made so much progress this last month alone, and I don’t want to push her too far.”

Niall passes Harry the tea towel to dry her hands on. “Look at it this way,” she begins. Harry turns to face her properly, giving Niall her undivided attention. “If you get married, you’re going to be doing the exact same things, just _married_. It’s not going to miraculously change anything about your relationship, or how much you love each other. You’re _both_ putting in the hard work here. Marriage is your reward.

“Wait, that doesn’t make sense, that makes it sound like it _does_ change things,” Niall bites her lip, confusion crossing her face. “What I mean is that the wedding _itself_ is a reward. I know how hard you’ve worked to get everything organised. And even though you’ll still have problems, and you’ll still be seeing a therapist together, at least you’re making the effort to make things better for yourselves. If that doesn’t deserve a reward, I don’t know what does.”

Harry hugs Niall tightly, burying her face in the crook of Niall’s neck. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Haz,” Niall says. “You deserve some happiness, too. And I know that marrying Louis will make you happy.”

“It will,” Harry agrees. 

“Right, well, good.” Niall tightens her arms around Harry a little more. “Are my muffins done yet? I’m starving.”

Harry laughs wetly into Niall’s neck. “Not yet, I just put them in a minute ago.”

Niall huffs. “They should hurry up.”

Harry kisses her cheek softly as they part and Niall gives her hand a squeeze. 

“You’re the sweetest for taking muffins into Zayn’s class, by the way,” Harry says, turning back to the dishes she has yet to finish washing.

“She’s been getting stressed about exams, so I wanted to do something nice for her. I just suck at baking,” Niall replies.

“Luckily I don’t mind it then, hey?”

Niall grins at her. “Thank you. Just in case I haven’t said that yet.”

“You have, but it’s nice to hear.”

The sound of the front door opening a short while later startles Harry. She has the first hot tray of muffins in her oven mitt covered hand and she puts them down on top of the oven so she can get the next one.

“It smells good in here,” Louis says as she wanders into the kitchen.

“Harry’s making muffins for me to give to Zayn,” Niall explains. 

Harry takes off her mitts and turns to face Louis. “You’re home early,” she says, glancing up at the clock on the wall.

“Yeah,” Louis nods. “I’ve got a horrid headache, so I was pretty useless at the office.”

“Would you like a cup of tea?”

“I’ve got it, love, you’re busy.”

Louis presses a kiss to Harry’s cheek, then her lips, before reaching behind her to turn the kettle on. Harry catches Niall’s gaze and Niall grins widely at her. She can’t help but give Niall a smile in return. She’s glad that Niall is here to witness Louis like this – to see that she’s actively doing better, and that Harry isn’t just making things up or embellishing how it really is between them. It’s nice to know that this isn’t just something that Harry’s imagination cooked up.

“Can I have one?” Niall asks, reaching out to the tray.

Harry pushes her hand out of the way. “Not yet, they’re not cool enough!”

“I don’t mind _that_ ,” Niall says, reaching for the tray again. 

“Fine, but if you burn your mouth, it’s your own fault.”

Niall’s hand shoots out to grab a muffin before Harry changes her mind. She takes a big bite and moans lewdly, making Harry blush. 

“Well, if they’re _that_ good, can I have one?” Louis asks. 

“Of course,” Harry says softly. She plucks one from the tray and passes it to Louis. 

Louis pulls the paper back a bit and takes a bite. “God, that’s good,” she says around her mouthful. Harry’s heart soars in her chest. “Thanks, love. I’m going to go have a kip.”

“Alright.” 

Louis waves to both of them and disappears from the room with her muffin and her cup of tea.

“The sexual tension between you two is ridiculous,” Niall says once the door closes behind Louis. Harry squawks and blushes furiously. “I’m just saying.” Niall shrugs. “Can I take these now? I want to get to the uni before Zayn’s class ends.”

“Alright, alright,” Harry says. “Let me just get you a container.” She squats down to rummage through the cupboard with all of the storage containers, and she finally finds the muffin one. “Please bring this back, though.”

“Of course,” Niall says. 

Harry peels off the lid and carefully puts all of the muffins inside of it. She puts the lid on and passes the box to Niall. 

“Thanks again, Haz,” Niall says. She kisses Harry’s cheek noisily and gives her a wink. Harry walks her to the front door and locks it behind Niall once she’s left. 

The kitchen doesn’t need much more tidying up, so Harry makes quick work of it before getting started on preparations for dinner. 

“Let’s go out tonight,” Louis says as Harry consults her meal plan chart. 

Harry blinks, startled. “But your headache…”

“I’ll take something for it,” Louis promises. 

Harry feels a little torn, but in the end, her desire to get out of the house and do something with Louis wins. She puts the meat she’d just got out back into the freezer and takes off her apron. “What did you have in mind?”

“You pick,” Louis says. “I want to treat you to a nice night out.” She caresses Harry’s forearm with feather light touches.

Harry’s pulse spikes. “Okay,” she whispers. 

Louis closes the gap between them and kisses Harry softly. It makes Harry’s head spin.

“I’m really proud of you, you know,” Harry says. “I know you don’t do things by halves, and you have every reason to at the moment…” She pauses, closing her eyes to take a moment. Louis’ hands still on her waist and they squeeze ever so slightly. “But I’m so proud of you. You got the help you needed and you’re sticking with it.”

“I have a pretty amazing fiancée helping me,” Louis says softly. She slides her hands up the back of Harry’s shirt. 

Harry shakes her head. “This is all you. _You’re_ doing the work and I couldn’t be prouder to be your fiancée.”

Louis kisses her again. Harry drapes her arms over Louis’ shoulders, losing herself in the kiss. It makes her heart sing to feel like this again. To be with Louis like this. Especially when she had been so afraid that they were going to lose it all.

“I can’t wait to marry you,” Louis says against Harry’s lips. Her breath is warm and damp against Harry’s skin.

“Me too,” Harry says. Louis gives her the most beautiful smile and it feels like coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again. If you've got this far, I hope you enjoyed this part. ♥  
> Please leave me a comment if you liked it. I love comments so very much a lot. ♥
> 
>  
> 
> rebloggable post on my [tumblr](http://star55.tumblr.com/post/183507170121)


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